Lori Castro
Lori, a trans woman born in 1962 in Northern California, reflects on her battle with addiction for more than 20 years and living on the streets. She eventually reached a point where she was ready to reclaim her life and sought recovery services through KYCC. Here, she shares her journey through recovery, reconciling with family, and healing past wounds. Nearly a year sober, Lori is embracing the challenge of “feeling everything” again and is very proud of who she is today.
This Far In
Interview by Kate Kim and Katherine Rivas
What is your name and age, and where were you born?
My name is Lori Castro, and I was born in 1962 in Northern California.
How do you identify?
I identify as she/her. I am a trans woman.
Where did you grow up?
In Olinda (Brea), California. It’s very rural.
Can you tell me about your family?
I come from a big family. They were into drugs when I was growing up, but I was the only one who didn’t stop [using drugs]. I have a big, loving, and supportive family now, though.
What were your dreams or aspirations as a child?
I wanted to be an astronaut when I was a kid, but obviously that didn’t happen.
What was your childhood like?
It was horrible. I had a pretty bad childhood. There was a lot of abuse and stuff like that.
When and how did you first experience using substances?
I was actually a late bloomer. I didn’t start [using substances] until I was 29 years old. I had gone through a very bad experience that kind of broke me, which was horrible. I got into heroin and cocaine, using needles.
How did you obtain these drugs?
It was easy. I was a prostitute, and when you’re in prostitution, you can find almost anything you need out there. I was getting high, running amok, and acting crazy.
Did you see a pattern where you would use more or less of these drugs?
If anything upset me, I would use more.
Can you tell us more about your experience with substance misuse, particularly stimulants and opioids?
It was pretty bad. The meth made me so crazy, it wasn’t even funny. It also made me suicidal. I tried to commit suicide by cop (provoking law enforcement into using lethal force). It had me in a downspin, and it took me over 20 years to get [out of] it.
How do you think these substances made you feel?
They helped me block everything out that I went through as a child and as an adult. It was my way of blocking everything out.
Was there anything else that helped you block things out?
Only substance use helped. It’s different: when you’re sober, you start feeling everything. But when you’re in your addiction, the only way to blind [yourself] is to use [substances]. The more you use, the less you feel.
What would you say was one of your biggest challenges while using substances?
Staying out of trouble. I’ve been in so much trouble. I picked up HIV from using needles, so just trying to keep my health in check has been a real struggle.
Did you have any relationships?
I was a straight loner. I did not deal with anybody out there. I had a very, very bad reputation. Even to this day, though I’m sober, as long as I have [that reputation] … I cut everybody off. Everybody was the devil to me. I didn’t want to be around others.
Did you have any colleagues or friends that you met along the way?
No, just street people, the ones I met out there in the streets.
What do you think motivated you to start your recovery journey?
The suicide-by-cop thing is what really got me because I was out there running amok, acting crazy. I was stealing and doing everything imaginable. The meth had me so out of my mind, it wasn’t even funny. I kept wanting to kill myself all the time. Finally, I was like, I’ve got to do something.
[Before] I went to rehab last year, I was underneath my bed in my apartment getting high, and I was like, What am I doing? I’m literally underneath my bed because I think I’m being watched. That’s what did it for me. I was like, You’ve got to get it together.
What were some of the obstacles you faced while you were doing intake?
Since I am trans, I went to the female side at first during recovery, but they were kind of mean to me, so I asked to go to the men’s side. I hated every day that I was there, but I forced myself to stay. I hung onto my chair and didn’t let go. I was the only one who was going to get myself through it, so I didn’t let go no matter what.
What would you say was the hardest part of your recovery?
The hardest part for me was feeling things again. When you’re on drugs, you don’t feel anything, and you start feeling everything when you’re off the drugs. It was very overwhelming.
Is there anyone who helped you out the most throughout the recovery process?
My drug counselor at KYCC. I have a good relationship with him, and he’s helped me out a whole lot. He got me to see a few things. I thought life would be perfect once you’re sober, but it’s not. It’s still a struggle, but things are good. [My drug counselor’s name] is Won.
Did you have the chance to repair any relationships during recovery?
I just drove up to see my family up north, and I went to make amends for all the time I was running amok and being stupid. They accepted my apology, which was really great.
Did recovery change your perspective on anything?
It has. It’s so much better now compared to where I was. It gets easier, but it doesn’t get perfect. Everything’s changed from that perspective.
What is a message you have regarding substance use and recovery?
I just want to be able to give back what was so poorly given to me. It’s amazing once you get past that first hurdle. Because there is a hurdle. It was really rough for me the first nine months, but it’s been getting easier now.
What was the happiest moment of your life?
Getting sober. It’s been a happy time.
Who has been the kindest?
My cousin Sherry. She lives in Alabama. We text and talk every single day, and she’s also in recovery, so it makes it that much easier.
What are the most important life lessons you’ve learned?
Don’t be too hard on yourself. Everybody makes mistakes, and you can get past them. Just have faith in your higher power, and everything will be good.
What are the proudest moments of your life?
I’ve been sober for almost a year, and I’m really proud of that. I didn’t think I could do it, but here I am, 333 days in.
When in life have you felt the most alone?
[I felt the most alone] when I was using [substances]. It was horrible the whole time.
How has your life been different than what you’d imagined?
Nobody says they want to grow up and be a junkie, that’s for sure. It was just a lot of craziness, but it’s way better now.
If you could change something, what would you change? Do you have any regrets?
I would tell my past self, “Don’t go down that road. It’s the worst road you could ever take.” My regrets are for all the trouble I caused and all the things I did.
How would you like to be remembered?
[I’d like to be remembered as] somebody who has compassion and empathy for others.
Why did you want to share your story?
Nobody believes I’m the same person I was almost a year ago. People see me now [and say], ‘Oh my God, I cannot believe you’re the same person!’ I want to show that it can be done. I didn’t think I could do it, but I’m this far in. I’m coming close to a year now, and I’m happy, so it is possible.
Can you tell us about the kinds of recovery programs you’ve been through, specifically your experience with KYCC?
I’ve been in a lot of programs, and I just didn’t want it then. You have to reach rock bottom before you finally get it. When I graduated from rehab in Santa Monica — I went to Clare Matrix — they only gave you three months. I’m like, That ain’t long enough for me. I actually went to an RBH (Recovery Bridge Housing) in San Pedro, and I ended up leaving. But before I left, I had them find me another outpatient spot.
KYCC is actually connected to my building because we have case managers from there. So I chose KYCC. It was a bumpy ride at first, but I stayed sober during everything. I’m grateful for their recovery services; it’s been a great experience. I’m very proud that I’m sober, I’m very proud that I’m trans, and I’m very proud that I can probably help somebody someday.